Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
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Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Having a job is cool But everyday ???? Come tf on
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.