Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”

Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”

I’m not sad, I’m big moaned

I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators

As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.

I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.

Netflix: are you still watching

Alexa: yeah he’s here

Me: 😳

“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”

*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?

[interviewing Matt Damon]

Matt: Well, in this movie I play-

Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.

Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?

Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?

I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.

Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”

Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.

Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.

Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.

I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.

My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today

I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.

friend: you watch anything good lately?

me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways

friend: who

me: William Wonka

Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%

Man I wish I would have thought of “knuckle sandwiches” when everyone was asking what I was bringing ro thanksgiving. It’s too late now 😔

When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.

Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.

Men love me.
Germs fear me.

Or vice versa, whatever

I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd

[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7

A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no

I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.

If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.

Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.

In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.

Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.