Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*eats only grass-fed donuts

kidnapper: we have your son

dad: oh my god let me talk to him

kidnapper: very well

dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees

Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]

If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.

Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..

Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.

*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!

Thank you, they came with the frame.

nurse: how do you rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.

We’re all getting idioter.

5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!

Me: Can I have $5?

Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?

got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit

I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.

I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.

My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.

Husband: How was your day?

Me: We’re all mad here.

Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?

Me: Off with their heads!!!

Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?

Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.

Husband: I’m on my way home.

Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]

James Potter: push down and then pull back

Voldemort: I am [still struggling]

Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it

Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10

guy cleaning a diner bathroom let me walk in but said “no poo poo” and I very seriously nodded and assured him “no poo poo”

Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.

Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower

Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.

I only look at Wordle for the articles

The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?

If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.

What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go

“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.

What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.

Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.

Everybody okay?