Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
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How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
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Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
We all have our pet causes.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
I love seeing cute puppy and dog videos where they’re loving getting pampered and groomed…I’ve personally never experienced a cool dog like that.
Mine always act like I’m about to sacrifice them to the gods.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?