Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.

am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise

My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water

Checkmate, Allegiant

I’ve been off for 6 days. I’m afraid I’m too feral to go back to work.

If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”

Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?

J.W: Why yes..

[slams the door]

Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?

(Lionel Richie, speed dating)

The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.

I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’

It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.

If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs

Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.

Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night

Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.

me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again

friend: so go back for seconds?

me: no probably longer than that

accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.

Cashier: What does your tattoo say?

Me: It doesn’t talk.

Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?

Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.

Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.

“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”

all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real

I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.

me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless

my brains: buy stuff

me: no listen i need a purpose

brain: a purchase?

If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.

For all the people who doubted me:
You were right

[creation of spinach]

God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.

Angel: Is everything okay at home?

All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.

[Therapist’s Waiting Room]

ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you

WIFE: yup

ME: I knew it!

MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?

ME: Yep!

HIM: Get out

I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.

[boss’s office]

I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?

“No, sir”

I like your style, Murray.

Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*

My kids: what have you done?!