Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?

5:

me:

5: we say thank you

Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.

I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too

WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?

ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well

My joke about a partition wall really split the room

The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home

People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work

an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today

The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.

In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.

[First day, CSI]

Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”

3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*

Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*

3: THAT WAS MINE!

I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.

It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.

Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!

If I knew I’d one day have to pick a baby name, I wouldn’t have held so many grudges

If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money

my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”

Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.

PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet

Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?

Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beet

Conclusion: Snickers is a salad

FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.

I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.

“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”

Timmy: stupid?

“Exactly”

good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.

{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.

700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides

I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.