Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out
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An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Yes
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.