Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was going to pour a glass of wine tonight but then I scrolled here and think you guys might need it more than me.

I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.

I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.

[house hunting]

Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!

Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!

{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis

This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede

My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”

I’m locking my bedroom door tonight

He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan

Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel

The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.

My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby

I turn 25 in two weeks

It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.

When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”

“Was I speeding?”

“No. Because you have a pony tail.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Sir, you’re over 40.”

My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.

I said “Happy”

Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.

The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.

Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately

Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?

Me: it’s time to go

Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is

I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”

[ouija board]

How are you feeling?

*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-Y

What the!? A cheesy board!?

G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S

Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.

Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live

RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved

35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good

oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out

Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.

White t-shirt: lol same.

*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*

“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”

I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.

*As people try to get me to go kayaking.

Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.

My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke