Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Kay’s emergency department tape rule:
If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.
If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
