Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.

“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”

Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese

waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?

me: i gotta fight you for them?

I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.

[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice

Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…

I’ve been his customer for 6 years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?

I can’t believe the 12 days of Christmas is all birds and musicians and not a single thing with potatoes anywhere.

outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now

me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email

outlook: [confused hissing]

Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.

Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.

My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.

My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.

Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?

Me: No Sir it will be round

Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”

I’d rather you didgerididn’t.

I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.

The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.

wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you

[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent

Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.

was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili

ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”

I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.

ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning

moses: 🙂

ramses: oh you son of a-

Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter

I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.

Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.

It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.

what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open

[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.