Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*

Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.

Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.

I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar

friend: look how big my new plant is getting!

me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has

Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries

this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.

8: mommy I want to study pastrami

Me: why pastrami specifically?

8: I’m just super interested in the stars

Me: astronomy you mean astronomy

8: pretty sure it’s pastrami

I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck

– The inventor of the scarf

mom gave me mine for free

“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything

Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?

Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.

Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.

I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*

My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week

Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers

I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.

Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?

judge: do u swear to tell the truth

me: dare

judge: what

me: i choose dare instead

judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal

I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”

All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.

If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.

Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.

Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.

M:

H: Please leave Home Depot.

I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.

My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.

our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs

My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.

What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?

I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish

My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.

HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP

My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram