Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
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Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand