Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
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Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.