Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
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So many village idiots. So few dragons.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.