[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
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I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
“What’s your favourite childhood memory?”
Not paying bills.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*