Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
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In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Want to try some vegetable chips? They don’t taste as good as potato chips, but on the plus side, they’re way more expensive.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,