Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen

*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot

*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all

My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.

Worked great!

Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know

The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.

[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender

Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.

What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.

If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.

*sales call

Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..

Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever

My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.

What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?

Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me

Favourite diary entry ever

When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.

mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?

-my 7 year old making the best of her public education

I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.

I’ve been watching ER and was like “wow they never wrap up any storyline. How unique. It must be to reflect how it really feels to be an ER doc, you never know what happens to your patients.” Anyway, just realized 5 eps in Hulu was cutting episodes off 7 minutes early.

WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!

WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF

Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:

I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance

I’m not crazy.

I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.

Me: This job seems really dangerous!

Him: The last three didn’t think so God rest their souls

I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car

Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.

United Steaks of America

When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.

If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman

Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom

[trying to ride a horse]

ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!

GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children

My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?

Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES

Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins

I need to babyproof my house.

I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy