Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
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her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
my first day as a raccoon
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.