Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it

My boyfriend & I each had a cat when we moved in together. Normally, mine sits with me and his sits with him. But tonight we are sitting in each others chairs, so now we are sitting with each others cats.

Turns out, our cats are attached to the spots they sit, not us at all 😂

I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.

My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it

My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.

“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”

Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.

oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card

In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end

If you see a woman over 35 with her chin on her hand looking pensive, she is not deep in thought, she is trying to find that one chin hair that just suddenly appears out of nowhere and is strong enough to anchor a ship.

Siri, when does the restraining order expire?

I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.

I think about this cartoon a lot.

lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?

Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am

lawyer: where are you?

me: 2018

sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know

[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?

8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real

During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.

Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.

Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?

Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.

After kids: My mind is a steel colander.

people who take naps are the real heroes out there, it takes courage to wake up twice in a day.

My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.

My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.

Running your mouth is not cardio.

Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)

My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.

Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?

If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?

“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.

Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man