Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead

I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.

My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.

Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic

HER: yes

ME: cool see u tonight

I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.

I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists

Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?

And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.

[Creating Humans]

God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.

Angels: Why?

God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.

Angels: Lololol.

God: I hope they call it a funny bone.

Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire

“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.

Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.

Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.

I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face

Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here

no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour

No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.

Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?

Farmer: Barley.

Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!

Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.

Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.

I’m not crazy.

I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.

My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.

Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”

Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff

The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.

Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly

We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.