Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs

When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…

to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.

interviewer: what do you know about excel?

me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet

50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid

Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.

Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark

When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants

Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?

Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?

Wife: …

Me: No, I have not seen it.

Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.

The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.

explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone

Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?

“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.

doctor: get ready to say “aaah”

me: why are we on the roof

Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart

I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.

*first day as a vegan*

“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”

2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist

One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.

[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*

Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”

Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”

I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”

THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.

Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.

I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.

Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not

I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”

Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?

I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.