Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?

how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes

*watching The Revenant*

*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.

You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.

I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2

Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”

But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”

And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”

My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.

I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.

It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t

Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.

My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film

Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day

My patient: [bleeding out] when

ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know

Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.

23. the denim jacket

My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.

Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?

Walmart after hours
Walmart after dark

Almost anything…

The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band

Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: [through foam mascot head] ya

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: I was going too fast?

Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze

Me: [eats ice cream slower]

Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.

Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton

ㅤ

If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…

My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.

[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*

I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on

wife: did you get the kids from daycare?

me: we don’t have any kids

wife: yeah you were supposed to get some

ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!

ROBOT: [flies out of window]

ME: Why did I add a propeller

My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop

There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.