Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happens to everyone.

They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:

A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?

I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them

What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea

Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.

“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”

-How I Met Your Stepmother

Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.

5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.

wife: go see if the baby sleeping

*walks into baby’s room*

baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profit

me: no babe she woke af

*first day as a cop*

What if they arrest me back

I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.

The Terminator: I need your clothes

Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull

The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work

Me: *holding up a leg* PULL

Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job

[During sex]

Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?

[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?

Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em

Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.

My kitchen overserved me.

Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now

My neck my back my allergy attack

Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.

Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples

I stopped carrying a grudge

Weigh me now

Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?

Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good

Genie: alright then [disappears]

Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no

Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water

Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.

Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.

Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.

*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*

FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.

ME: There’s been quarantines?

Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!

Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!

I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?