Our son, who lives in Brisbane, fully 10,000 miles out of earshot, has just sent our daughter, who lives under our roof, some bagpipes.
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My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
A dad and his duck
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.