Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.

The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.

My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach

My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.

I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.

Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup

Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?

*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!

She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones

What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.

I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.

Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.

I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.

Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too

It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.

Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.

Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.

My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.

Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!

[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol

My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL

[at work]

Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!

Me: Well, you know me, always working!

Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*

Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*

During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars

[on phone]

me: honey I won some free tickets

wife: cool, for what?

me: speeding and resisting arrest

wife: never heard of them

[Contract Law]

BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract

ME: so there’s strings attached?

Me: *making a snow angel*

Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor

Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.

Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.

Apartments show you 44 pics of the lobby b**ch I ain’t living in there

8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?

Me: I want you to do some chores.

8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.

Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.

A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.

“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby

Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?