Cinderella: thanks for finding my shoe 🙂
Prince: no problem. will u marry me
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
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“anyone for turkey burgers?”
turkey: well sure haha
“oh, it’s not a burger for turkeys”
turkey: what is it then
turkey: say it
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Does “who cares” count as advice?
Sex is great, yes but have you ever had water come out of your ear after it stayed there two days after swimming? OMG
After seeing a commercial for Toddlers In Tiaras, I realise Darth Vader wasn’t the worst parent ever.
Stranger: Sir your fly is down…
Me: Oh geez! Thanks.
*Bends down and picks up fly*
Me: He’s had some wing issues lately
Her: I’m a Capricorn, which probably tells you way too much about m..
Me: *covers ears with bread rolls*