Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
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Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon