@BlindChow

Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!

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@jazz_inmypants

Cinderella: thanks for finding my shoe 🙂

Prince: no problem. will u marry me

@ruinedpicnic

“anyone for turkey burgers?”
turkey: well sure haha
“oh, it’s not a burger for turkeys”
turkey: what is it then
“uhh”
turkey: say it

@aotakeo

wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it

me: I searched the whole casino

@LittleHarmonica

Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.

@xysist

Sex is great, yes but have you ever had water come out of your ear after it stayed there two days after swimming? OMG

@OreoSpeedwagon_

After seeing a commercial for Toddlers In Tiaras, I realise Darth Vader wasn’t the worst parent ever.

@thatsuperdad

Stranger: Sir your fly is down…

Me: Oh geez! Thanks.

*Bends down and picks up fly*

Me: He’s had some wing issues lately

@thatdutchperson

[blind date]

Her: I’m a Capricorn, which probably tells you way too much about m..

Me: *covers ears with bread rolls*