Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
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Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
all bases covered
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Merica.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
*my dog starts barking when suddenly 20 other neighborhood dogs start barking back at him. i just laugh & point at him*
haha, you’re getting ratioed!
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
