Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
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Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names
ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
i was baptized in a car wash
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.