I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
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A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
The little toadstool has spoken.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Stick it to the man
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.