“our sushi is very fresh”
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My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
set yourself free xox
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
moms in horror movies
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
I hope they don’t ban TikTok because it’s the only thing keeping my wife awake when we watch Netflix.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor