Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*

My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”

Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.

Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10

Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law

get you a girl who

[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”

At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?

I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)

My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”

Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??

Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives

i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right

NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR

Man goes to a Doctor.

“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”

“Does it burn?”

“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”

My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.

Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?

Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.

My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker

Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.

Them: No we get that.

Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.

Don’t tell me how to lift my baby

[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?

Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind

Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese

Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first

i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands

So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.

watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth

My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.

But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.

My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao