Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?

I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket

They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.

All. The. Damn. Time.

No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.

Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.

I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.

A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.

WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother

Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.

[Me as a zoo tour guide]

Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois

8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-

Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon

8: They’re pand-

Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.

8: Zeb-

Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR

I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.

My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.

Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine

Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day

My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.

As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’

So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe

Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.

How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?

Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth

From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?

Me: *nods*

Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”

I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”

Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels

[ day 2 of self quarantine ]

me: i’m bored

my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe

A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.

Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks

[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]

stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you