Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
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The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Ah yes. The three genders
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Facebook Twitter
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Roses are red
Violets are blue
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.