Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
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Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Baller is short for ballerina
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back