Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up

My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.

Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy

in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism

Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.

Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.

Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory

I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’

My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?

My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.

The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I’m stupid

“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”

HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?

[meeting my gf’s parents]

gf: just please be serious

me: ok

[later]

gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now

me: I DID MY WAITING

gf: oh no

me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT

gf: please

me: IN AZKABAN

[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder

I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.

Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…

Him: Don’t do this.

Me: I didn’t make the cut.

Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.

[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin

Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan

Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –

except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!

Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.

as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.

Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.

It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”

You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.

Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!

Hostage 1: No!

Hostage 2: Please! No!

Me: So…who gets to be the front?

With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull

Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.

“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate