Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.

Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…

But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.

“When I was your age, I already owned a house”

honestly, i need both:

I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.

Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night

I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.

“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”

[amusement park]

me: *arms up, screaming*

cashier: but that is the price

That was easy.

I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..

Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him

Merry Christmas

My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.

Me: it’s bed time!

My kids: PARKOUR!

Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream

Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.

We are not the same.

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.

I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries

My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.

Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.

Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”

Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries

[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS

reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.

This is my emotional support chloroform rag

*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid

I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way