Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.

Roses are red, violets are-

Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!

I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.

“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.

A friend helps you before you need it

i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined

me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything

t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too

*flips bird*

*buys another bird with the profits*

THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.

ME: As planned.

Listen up, guys

Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose

I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.

Plants are ALIVE, vegans.

You disgust me.

I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit

Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.

#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled

Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.

@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂

Me: I prefer the natural look

Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products

*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*

Baker: “When is your wedding?”

Me: *with mouthful of cake*

“What wedding?”

FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town

ME: No problem

FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?

ME: No they’re all wood

I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.

Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!

*undresses on the run like Superman*

Be right up!

*stands naked in doorway*

Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi

this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!

I just died 😂😂😂😂😂

doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom

How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?

Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER

Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT

Dog: probably eat the cat LOL

Dog 911: LOL

If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips

The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.

Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”

If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.