Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened

me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing

[wine and cheese]

HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?

370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks

DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.

ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?

I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.

I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.

I need to babyproof my house.

I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy

waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined

me: run it again

waiter: i ran it three times

me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?

her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again

Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.

Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,

nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh

Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red

My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot

Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!

Australia: no need to, we’re good

relationship status:

[ ] single

[ ] taken

[X] waiting for the spaceship to return

TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future

ME: Really? Who wins the election?

TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace

ME: You need to be more specific

The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten

Told the kids I’d give $5 to whoever located and removed the screeching cricket that woke me up at 7am and they had that fucker out of here in 3 1/2 minutes.

“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads

[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*

‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’

Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.

So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”

SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.

Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.

Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.

I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.

For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.

why am I working on Labor Day

Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.

*gets into any creepy van*

*Gets kicked out*