Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
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I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.