“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
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If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Had to take my niece to the ER today, because she swallowed a toy train.
Doc said she bit off more than she could choo.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
listen closely
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Looking at you, Jesus.
i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it