“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
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Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
When someone trying to leave me
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account