“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
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I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.