“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
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I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.