@Erik_Allen

“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels

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@Bob_Janke

If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.

@Token_Geezer

Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.

@trojansauce

DATE: how about we move this to the bedroom?

ME: give me one minute

*i kiss all my beanie babies on the head and put them on the ground*

@ScobeyWanKenobi

Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.

@rickolantern

My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks

@zachreinert03

I’m getting a restraining order against my debt collectors. As much as they call me it’s really just starting to come across as desperate

@sock_holliday

Prince Charming: check out the babe

Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead

Prince Charming: I should kiss her

Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?

Prince Charming: bring her what now?

@gegtik

Area man gains z axis, becomes volume man, won’t stop yelling

@BasicLyes

Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.