“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels

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If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.


Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.


DATE: how about we move this to the bedroom?

ME: give me one minute

*i kiss all my beanie babies on the head and put them on the ground*


Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.


My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks


I’m getting a restraining order against my debt collectors. As much as they call me it’s really just starting to come across as desperate


Prince Charming: check out the babe

Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead

Prince Charming: I should kiss her

Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?

Prince Charming: bring her what now?


Area man gains z axis, becomes volume man, won’t stop yelling


Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.