“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
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Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
The smoothest fall of all time
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
i don’t get to travel very often but every time i do i really get to thinking: did anthony bourdain just have diarrhea for like 9 months of the year
[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever