Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

checking out some reviews of my local library

I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.

I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.

Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”

I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.

Me: you are laundry, stop talking

My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years

*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room

“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out

Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.

I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…

🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly

I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…

That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.

Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.

AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:

Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.

Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.

Replace all HR departments with fight clubs

One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.

I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.

“What are your dogs’ names?”

Me: “Calvin and Klein.”

“Isn’t that a brand of underwear?”

Me: “Exactly, they’re boxers.”

Angel: Awww babies are so cute!

God: Make them scream

Angel: W-why?

God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?

Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.

firemen keep harvesting my cat tree

Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.

People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical

I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.

I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.

Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.