Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pronounces patio like ratio

Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.

June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok

I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.

when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard

[meeting new people]

Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself

Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually

I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.

At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.

COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”

ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”

One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning

I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite

My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.

“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”

When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.

If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”

Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.

I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore

Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon

Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon

Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.

Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?

*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”

NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.

“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now

You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.

Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!

Me at 35: oh

Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”

just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress

Fortune Cookie:

For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.

Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered

Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it

Luigi Mangione sounds like a made up Italian name, but then again, my name is Michael Primavera.