Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
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A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
babysitting a pair of twin babies rn and feeding them saying “here comes the airplane” idk just feels weird
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
a friendship and a fart have a lot in common, both have the potential to turn into something bigger
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts