Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
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WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Me: *all four burners going, two pots boiling over, oven beeping, being burned by grease splatter*
8yo: Mom!! You’re not even watching my cartwheel!