Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.

This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.

We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.

Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.

Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.

Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”

If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.

Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.

The 5 most important things to teach my kids:

1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count

People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.

COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”

a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.

If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.

Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?

This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?

If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.

[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR

[first guy to be sent to hell]

guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup

If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.

How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?

If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…

… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.

Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.

Sincerely,
Santa Claus.

“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.

A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife

[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks

God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then

I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20

Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”

I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.

[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]

Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*

Everyone:

Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*

Everyone:

Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*

Everyone:

Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why

Seat cushions are the original stool softeners

I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.