Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
The options really are this bad
Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
You’re never alone. Theres mold
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
