Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”
Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
