Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
I always forget my reusable shopping bag when I go to buy some food. So I purposely put it in my bag this morning and forgot to go and buy the food
When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Ah 1994, I remember it like it was thirty years ago.
*starts crying*
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
I wonder if babies know that we are more terrified of them than they are of us
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Finally a use for spoilers…
