Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

😼🖥️

My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself

Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.

Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?

No mate, a landline 🙄

Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

*tries on a gas mask*

Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.

The chart results are in…

wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH

SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.

PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?

SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.

Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus

Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.

If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind

Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.

a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.

“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”

My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.

🤣

At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral

When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.

I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.

DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot

chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?

*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*

I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.

guilty

Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place

Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.

Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.

Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?

YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir

Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.