Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
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It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)