@RodLacroix

Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.

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@TheSharona06

Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.

Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.

@997omar

Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it

@kaynecaraway

I blanked when I got to the counter at Starbucks and said “vodka soda” and she said “huh” and I said “huh” and then we stared at each other until I remembered I was there for coffee.

@AlisonChrista

ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.

ALLISON: I agr-

ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!

@DrakeGatsby

Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.

@tayandmae

9 out of 10 child psychologists believe TV’s shouldn’t be babysitters

9 out of 10 child psychologists don’t have children

@LoveNLunchmeat

[reading online survey]

Are you ready to double your satisfaction?

My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.

*clicks yes*

@HitsBelowBelt

You know that feeling you get when you meet someone and your heart skips a beat?

Ya, that’s arrhythmia. You can die from that.