Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
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ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
I get distracted pretty eas
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.