Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.

ok this is my dumbest yet

My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”

Bread, a tale of tears

I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.

Incredibly it tasted amazing

Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey

Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity

Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito

I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”

Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.

My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup

Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!

The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.

I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.

What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it

Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.

First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.

Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want

First rule of Botox club:

Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.

[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme

Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer

Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?

This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.

I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.

If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge

*seductively annoys the shit out of you*

YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!

Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.

If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam

How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?

I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.

8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER

Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.

Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.

Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.