Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
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Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’