Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
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Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here