Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left

When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch

friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”

hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter

The Hurricane came through here like a tornado

-Lady on the News just now

I don’t want to live on this planet anymore

*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear

HR: Can you explain why your drug test shows incredibly high levels of THC?

Me: Tennessee Hot Chicken? Yeah, I eat that every time I get high.

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.

A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…

Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit

Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers

Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one

I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.

huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror

centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm

doctor: it’s okay I can fix it

centaur: agh I broke my leg too

doctor: *cocks rifle*

“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game

Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.

“Hi, I have an appoint-“

“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”

This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.

*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED

Boss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.

Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.

Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?

him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?

My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!

I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half

Please bear with my nonsense…

…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.

Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?

Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–

Adults: ITS THE PHONES

1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?

Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly

Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car

In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.

Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.