Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
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The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Spa day..😅
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
BETRAYAL
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
I can’t be the only one 😂
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
drew a comic about my origin story
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
people who take naps are the real heroes out there, it takes courage to wake up twice in a day.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
we must combat the global scourge of underage baking
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.