Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
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Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.
To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Brat summer is out, attic wife autumn is in. We’re hissing at people. We’re withdrawing from society. We’re growing our hair below our waist. We’re setting fire to his curtains. We’re gaslighting his new side piece.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in