@torrami

Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁

Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁

- @torrami

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@LizHackett

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.

@WildeThingy

Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”

@TheAlexNevil

Going to a friend’s surprise birthday party. I already know about it, but I’ll act surprised anyway.

@alfageeek

When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.

@Not_From_Troy

I did a survey and asked 5 women what kind of clothing brand they preferred. The 5 responded: “How the hell did you get into my house?”

@RhinoUR

Buys valentine.
Writes “I love you” inside.
Mails card to self.
Receives card in mail.
Reads card.
“Eww, why do I attract losers?”

@smithsara79

Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*

My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water

@shutupheav

Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.

@AuthorGaylord

Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!

Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.

Mine:

“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”

Oddly specific.

@TheToddWilliams

[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!