Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
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does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.