Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m taking my kids with me to the office today. They’ll learn about my industry and what I do for a living and my coworkers will learn why I show up to work looking like a disheveled, defeated husk of a man.

*steals all the clocks*

*has all the time in the world*

This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*

– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁

[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.

[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?

[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?

Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?

Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!

We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.

I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.

Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.

Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years

me: you want to lose your mind?

BM: yes

me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children

BM: right

me: ah, I see the difficulty

My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.

Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.

Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.

Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise

Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.

Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.

I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?

Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly

– autocorrect

I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.

Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him

Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.

A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.

In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario

If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands

Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom

I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…

It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?

a McRib killed my tapeworm

A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.

Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.

Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?

You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.

I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare