Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.
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*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Her: So, what are we thinking?
Him: Well, one of us is thinking, “I have a good idea,” and the other is thinking, “No, he doesn’t.”
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
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[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off