Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.
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Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
saving face 👀
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
I misspelled ‘I’m unstoppable’ and my phone autocorrected to ‘I’m unstable’ and honestly, that’s fair.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
😭😭
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
