Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.
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My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
10:03pm
Wife: Honey, can you put away the left over chicken before you come to bed?Me: Sure.
11:09pm
Me, eating the last of the chicken: I feel like I’m forgetting something.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Yes, this is exactly right
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?
Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”