Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.

Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.

back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today

Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.

watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them

TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess

[LA Earthquake]

Me: Wow, do you feel tha-

Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!

50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.

I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.

Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?

Me: holy shit how bad is it?!

Egyptians don’t walk like that.

Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.

People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.

Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?

Them: who ya gonna call

Me: ghostbusters

Them: sweet, what’s the number

Me: they didn’t say

The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.

Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot

Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.

100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.

Me: I don’t feel well

Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?

Me: No

Mom: …

Me: …

Mom: …

Me: *throws up plastic banana*

“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.

All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.

What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal

We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:

-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40

More info soon.

That very depressing moment when you find out the fire alarm that went off at work was just a test

Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends

Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?

Me: My bladder mostly.

Dear life:

If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.

When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?