Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
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Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
This is I, Robot all over again
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
kitchen magnet
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.