Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
You Might Also Like
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
“YOU’RE GONNA GET THE HELL OVER HERE AND WATCH THIS CHRISTMAS MOVIE WITH US AS A FAMILY AND YOU’RE GONNA HAVE CHRISTMAS JOY!!”
– And other fun christmas things I say to my kids
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .
Well… I can’t see that taking off…
🤣
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account