Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.

Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.

You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?

Only three things are preventing me from becoming an Olympic gymnast: balance , strength, and getting out of this beanbag chair.

“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”

[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.

Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.

PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*

Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown

a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.

Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.

3-year-old: OK

*breaks into song*

*turns on every talking toy*

*detonates fireworks*

Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!

heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.

I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.

Happy Friday

WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”

Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.

Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.

Some only once.

What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?

I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.

Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm

Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.

The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash

Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball

Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.

Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.

Friggin’ narcs ruin everything

This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️

“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”

Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time

A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends