Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.

I think I’m being stalked…

I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no

humans only use 10% of their treadmills

*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*

A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”

[Bedroom at midnight]

*scary noises*

Husband: is… is someone in here?

*demonic sounds from the closet*

Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore

*sad demonic noises*

Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.

You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.

Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.

Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.

*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*

if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent

How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?

Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in

11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us

Me: Ok…

8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”

Me:

8yo:

11yo:

Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…

Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on

I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today

[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]

Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that

no one likes gloating

Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.

Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.

When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly

I made a risotto 4 years ago and the kids refused to touch it. In a rare moment of genius I said its not a risotto it’s “cheesy rice stew” which they liked the sound of and devoured it. Still make it to this day and I can’t wait until the day they figure out they’ve been duped.

[At check-out] *gets out credit card*

Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?

Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.

Do not steal food from the science building!

anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!

I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.

Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.

I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.

My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door

When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.