Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
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It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.