Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”

The average person eats 8 spiders a year

*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”

People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic

Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:

There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.

They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-

I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.

there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”

When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”

Friend: How long till school starts?

Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.

Sorry. Not sorry

[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*

*licks ice cream cone

Cone: I have a boyfriend.

My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.

*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*

CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight

Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.

Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”

Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things

Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.

Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“

The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.

when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth

[getting murdered]

Hang on, let me clear my browsing history

I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.

*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*

Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?

I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.

I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top

I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies

I’m never asking anyone out on a date again

Reviews of Hogwarts

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”