[Out at a restaurant and police officers walk by our table]
Me: Hey kids, say hi to the police.
6yo: Are these the guys you told me yesterday to not tell that you went through a red light?
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Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
happy friday
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.