[Out at a restaurant and police officers walk by our table]
Me: Hey kids, say hi to the police.
6yo: Are these the guys you told me yesterday to not tell that you went through a red light?
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fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
I finally gave up telling my Boomer mum there’s no fine for not rewinding the movie after watching it anymore… Netflix have people who do that after you go to bed, mum!
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
We like the way Dwight thinks
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Do they award purple hearts for injuries playing* laser tag?
Asking for a friend.
* Dropping the gun on your foot while putting on your vest.