Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.

ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax

ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive

Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.

If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.

Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.

The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer

…and send

Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”

Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.

Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time

I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.

facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂

me: nah it’s ok—

facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂

me: [tearing up] th-thanks

Stop looking for the perfect match.
Use a lighter.

me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol

teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked

[Running away from home]

Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!

Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”

Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”

writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound

Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.

me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one

customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon

me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member

My mom: why are you being so defensive

Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better

My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.

“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself

It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.

Ask not if it pleases the court – ask what the court can do to please you.

– Chapter Three, Contempt Of Court For Dummies

Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?

very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell

I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.

Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”

[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?

“shake what ya momma gave ya!”

*starts shaking low self-esteem*

friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection

[later]

guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?

me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way