*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
You Might Also Like
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!
can of beans: never!
(whirring noises)
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of